Breaking Free from Default Culture: How to Intentionally Shape Your Family’s Traditions
Discover how to break free from "default culture" and intentionally shape your family's traditions. This post explores the impact of childhood experiences on family dynamics and provides practical steps to evaluate, refine, and create meaningful customs. Learn how to avoid unmet expectations, build a strong family foundation, and design a culture that aligns with your values. Plus, download a free Family Culture Discussion Sheet to guide your journey!
When I first got married, I navigated life—solving problems, handling conflict, and structuring my days—based on what I had experienced growing up. Just as my parents passed culture down to me, I unintentionally passed it down to my family.
I was operating in a default culture—doing things simply because “that’s how I’ve always done it.” There wasn’t necessarily an issue with what I was doing, but rather why I was doing it that way. Was I being intentional, or was I following a script from my past?
Reflecting on Your Own Upbringing
To design a meaningful culture for your family, reflect on your childhood. Ask yourself:
Where did you spend most of your time as a child? At home? With friends? Why?
What are some of your favorite childhood traditions?
What could you always count on growing up?
What were you missing as a child or young adult?
This process might bring up difficult emotions, but the goal isn’t to dwell on regret. Instead, use this reflection to determine what’s worth keeping and what needs to be left behind.
Why This Matters for Your Family
When you examine your past, you can:
✅ Recognize the default culture shaping your life – Celebrate the good, but also identify what no longer serves you.
✅ Avoid unmet expectations that lead to conflict – I assumed my husband would act like my dad—home for dinner every night, working in the yard on weekends, planning vacations. When he didn’t, frustration built. Recognizing these differences helped us align our expectations.
✅ Create a foundation for success – Once you decide what to keep and what to change, you can be intentional about building traditions that serve your family.
You have the power to design your family culture—don’t let it be determined by default!
Get started today! Set aside dedicated time to discuss your family culture. To help, I’ve created a Family Culture Discussion Sheet with powerful reflection questions. DOWNLOAD IT FOR FREE.
Do you prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project. (Now the Build Your Best Family podcast.)
Build Your Best Family Podcast: Create a Thriving Family Culture
When my husband, Carl, and I first got married, we had so many ideas of what family life would be like. We envisioned a welcoming home with an open-door policy, a family that loves and serves God together, and a simple life that prioritized relationships.
However, after moving to the suburbs, having a few kids, and investing in our careers, we discovered that the values, beliefs, and expectations we had for our family had gotten lost in the shuffle of modern-day life.
We found ourselves stuck in survival mode, barely getting through the week. We packed our schedules with school activities, sports, church, and volunteer commitments. These were all good things, but we felt like we didn't have control over the direction our family was heading.
We realized it was time to change the trajectory of our family.
Carl and I set out to create a mission statement to bridge the gap between the life we were living and the life we had hoped for. It turned out to be harder than we thought. After a few failed attempts, I began researching how successful companies created theirs.
That's when I discovered the power of culture and the role it plays in a thriving organization.
Along the way, I realized that the same principles that cause an organization's culture to flourish and succeed can help a family thrive.
That's why we created Build Your Best Family, a weekly podcast that empowers you to create a thriving family culture. Since January 2018, we've been having real, honest conversations with experts, leaders, and everyday people who are intentionally building families that reflect their values and beliefs. Sometimes, I'm joined by my good friend for special episodes called "Friends Talking Family."
You don't have to feel hopeless about the path your family is on. You can create a home culture that reflects your family's core values with thought and deliberate steps.
As a result, you'll be able to lead with purpose and passion and foster unity within your family. When it's time for your children to leave home, they will have a foundation of confidence and purpose that equips them to follow their personal mission and embrace who God has created them to be.
We want to be upfront with you—we don't have all the answers. However, we've both experienced intentional culture and default culture in business, ministry, and family. We've studied what makes some organizations succeed while others fail. Since we're right in the middle of raising our own kids, we're learning alongside you as we explore what it takes to build a family that thrives.
We can't promise you'll make all the right parenting choices, or your kids will never make mistakes. But we can promise that if you do the work to establish your values and beliefs—and translate them into behaviors that can be repeated and measured—you will build a family culture that anchors your home in what matters most.
Don't miss an episode! Subscribe on your favorite podcast platform today!