Helping Our Teen Daughters Find Their Own Beautiful

“Finding your own beautiful has a lot to do with deciding what kind of person you want to become.”  – Chelsea Crockett

To navigate today’s culture and make good choices my daughter will have to decide what she believes about God and His Word and determine who she wants to be. Once she does this, it will easier for her to make choices, based on her values rather than her emotions.

I am so grateful for role models such as Chelsea Crockett who share what’s it like, as a teen, to do life with Jesus. To hear more about an incredible resource for your teen join me over at Faith Gateway. 

How to Listen Well

Most of us have had the unfortunate experience of talking to someone that is clearly not listening. The person you are speaking with may be nodding their head, but mentally they are somewhere else. Despite our attempts to justify our friend’s preoccupation or lack of interest it still hurts.

Not only have I talked with people who are bad listeners but I I have been one as well. Sometimes I get distracted. I may think I’m listening to the other person, but I’m not giving them my full attention. This happens especially in the evening with my family when I am trying to get dinner ready or am tidying the house. Other times, when I am with friends I’ve let my phone, other people in the room, or what I am going to say next prevent me from paying attention.

What does it look like to listen to one another in a way that makes us feel heard and fully seen?

Obviously being present is not enough. A good listener listens with their heart, their eyes, and their body language. When they do, others feel safe and can relax and share honestly. This is a tremendous gift we can give each other.

I first heard about active listening in March of 2016 at the Circles of Faith event we hosted called Your Story, Your Influence. The purpose of the event was to walk the attendees through discovering and telling their stories. To equip us for the process, Susanne Ciancio spoke about the difference between terrible listening and good listening and how we can listen well to others.

Here’s what I learned:

Examples of bad listening:

Interrupting -  This is the worse communication habit ever. When we interrupt people, we are telling them the conversation is all about us. Don’t be fooled by thinking, “I just have to say this now, or I'll forget.” If it’s essential to the conversation, you’ll remember it later.

Advising - Unsolicited advice is a relationship killer. Sometimes people just want to express their frustrations or feelings, but we’re quick to jump in to fix it. Wait to be asked before you give advice. The person you are speaking with will be much more appreciative of your wisdom when you do.

Over relating - It makes us feel connected when we can relate to a friend’s story, however highjacking the conversation to let them know you know exactly what they are talking about is rude. It’s okay to wait until they are done speaking to tell them you’ve had a similar experience.

Anticipating - Instead of listening we may be formulating our next sentence, rebuttal, or response. Thinking about what you're going to say next prevents us from being in tune with the other person because in our mind we have shifted the focus off them and onto us.

Ways to listen well:

Give eye contact. This might be uncomfortable at first, but it’s worth doing. When you keep eye contact with the person, who is talking it indicates that you are focused and paying attention. If possible, don’t look over their shoulder to see what else is going on around you.

Use body posture. Sit up straight, with your shoulders squared to the speaker. Lean into the conversation when needed.

Make facial expressions. Nod occasionally and smile. Mirroring the different expressions of the speaker shows sympathy and empathy in more emotional situations.

Eliminate distractions. Put phones, books, and iPads away when talking with someone. Social media and texts can wait.

Once you’re done listening, you can ask questions to further the conversation.

Examples of active listening questions are:

“Can you tell me more about…”

“I heard you say....could you tell me more?”

“What struck me about your story was…”

“How did you come out of that?”  

Keep in mind, most conversations with a co-worker, friend, or family member requires social skills. It’s meant to be a back and forth exchange.

Even though these steps may be obvious, for many, myself included, they are often forgotten. However, with a bit of intentionality and practice, these practices will become second hand. The people in our life will no longer wonder if we are paying attention or care about what matters to them.

Listening well is the way we can make others feel heard and fully seen.

---

For more on the topic listen to:

Episode 62 Susanne Ciancio on How to be a Good Listener

Join Elise Daly Parker and I as we talk with Licensed Professional Christian Counselor, Susanne Ciancio about the difference between listening and hearing and how we can better listen to the people in our lives.

Beyond Our Imagination: God’s Great Love

My son lost his first tooth while we were on vacation. He was thrilled. Since he has two big sisters, he knew what to expect. Since our family celebrates imagination in our kids, he couldn’t wait to go to sleep because the next morning there would be “fairy dust” on the ground and a surprise under his pillow.

Then all of a sudden his smile turned upside down and tears filled his eyes. He said, “Mommy, how is the tooth fairy going to find me?”

Join me over at Faith Gateway as I share how losing a tooth turned into the perfect opportunity to teach my son about God's omnipresence.  Read more here...

How to Overcome the Fear of Doing Something New

I am working on a new project.

It’s something that has been on my mind for over a year now. I have spent time on it here and there but am nowhere near where I should be on its progress.  At one point I had a detailed plan on how I was going to complete it but failed to follow it when I got “busy.” Then summer came, and it was pushed even further down my priority list.

I said things like, “I’m still doing research.” and “I’m thinking through a few new ideas” and “I don’t have time to give it my full attention but when I do…” I thought these were excellent explanations as to why I didn't see progress, but let’s face it; I was procrastinating.

Procrastination is nothing more than fear.

Setting aside this project this summer to spend quality time with my kids is legit, but when I was honest with myself, I realized that I simply enjoy doing things I know I can do well. This new project is new territory and will push me out of my comfort zone. I’ve let fear keep me from taking necessary steps towards the unknown.

The two common fears that others and I face are:

Fear of Failure

Many of us fear we will not live up to the expectations of others. Whether it’s a boss, family member, or friend, we don’t want to let them down. Worse than that is the dread of not living up to the expectations of ourselves. We wonder, “Do I have what it takes to do this?” “What if there is a gap between what I hope it will be versus what it becomes? If so, what does that say about me?”

Fear of Success

While success is great, it brings with it new responsibilities. We tend to worry whether we can sustain that success. It may require time or effort that we don’t have or are willing to give. Accomplishments are also accompanied by new expectations from others and ourselves. Thoughts such as, “Do I have what it takes to it again?” and “What if I’m not worthy of the success I’ve achieved?” keep us from moving forward.

When we move out of our comfort zone, and we’ll experience the thrill of expanding our limits.

Here are a few things that will help:

·      Journal your fears. Write about your fear and its origin. Spend time to uncover what terrifies you and record it. Reflect on how it has held you back in the past. Often when we write things down or talk about them with a friend, they lose their power. Plus, once you get specific, you can effectively address them in prayer.

·      Counter fearful thoughts. Trusting in God is our ultimate remedy for fear. When you hear thoughts such as “You’re not enough.” and “It won’t turn out as great as you imagine.”, stop them in their tracks and choose to think something else. Read, speak, memorize, and often refer to the promises of the Bible and receive them as personal pledges from God. You can download these Powerful Scriptures to Combat Fear to get started.

·      Create small goals. My friend Kimberly Coyle says “Peace rarely descends like a dove. Instead it is practiced through small acts of courage which put fear in its rightful place.” Instead of tackling your fear all at one time, take small steps towards overcoming it and achieving your goal.

·      Tell people what you are doing. Share your fear with a friend and announce what you are going to do about it. When you included others, they can provide encouragement and accountability.

Don’t be fooled into thinking “That’s just the way I am.” or “This is the way I am wired.” No matter what your Myers Briggs or Enneagram type, fear should never drive your decisions for yourself, your family, and your future. Be willing to dig into the root of fear so that you can overcome it.

Over the next few weeks, here on the blog and social media, I will be giving you a sneak peek into what I am working on. Saying yes to this project has meant tackling my fears and making some changes to the things I am already doing. Stay tuned; I am so excited to share more details with you soon!

---

DOWNLOAD SCRIPTURES TO COMBAT FEAR

Face your fears with the Word of God. Download this FREE sheet called Powerful Scriptures to Combat Fear

Sand me Powerful Scriptures to Combat Fear!

---

For more on the topic listen to:

Episode 61 Facing Your Fears

Join Elise Daly Parker, Kimberly Coyle and I as we share our experience with fear and a few tips on how to move out of your comfort zone and expand your boundaries.

---

Additional Posts:

• Wrestling, Fear, and Faith - An Experience with the Read it Pray it Cards
• Practicing Peace in the Face of Fear by Kimberly Coyle 

How Specificity Can Improve Your Life

Have you ever set a goal that you didn't reach?

Do you want to change something in your life but can't seem to make it happen? Do even your best attempts get mediocre results?

One of the most common but overlooked pitfalls in losing weight, starting a business, or achieving goals is not being specific about what you want and lacking a detailed plan on how you will get there.

Back in 2012, I ran a half marathon. When I signed up, I barely called myself a runner, so the thought of running 13.1 miles seemed crazy. I downloaded the Runner's World app and plugged in my race date. It created a detailed training plan of how often and far I had to run. If I wanted to finish that race, I had to follow that plan. I couldn't just run occasionally and for random distances. 

Running that race was possible because I set a concrete goal and followed a particular plan.

Setting specific goals doesn't just apply to fitness. It can benefit all areas of life.

Here are some categories specificity will improve your life.

• Faith - Well-defined prayer leads to a well-defined faith. When I am specific in my prayers, I can be more attuned to when God shows up and answers them. What are you praying for? Be specific. Who, what, when, where? What promises in the Word of God are you applying to your situation?

• Life - When taking on projects every day, I like to start with SMART goals. The acronym SMART stands for: specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely. For example, one project that has been on my to-do list for a long time is organizing my photos so I can put them into albums. I love taking pictures, but many go unseen because they stay on my computer. I want to curate a "yearbook" and give each of my kids a copy. While it's a big project, I know that once I complete it, future years will be easy to create. I will likely not "find time" to work on it, so I'll need to decide when I want it done, how often I will work on it, and how often to accomplish this.

• Community - After transitioning to a stay-at-home mom and moving to the burbs, I became lonely because I no longer had a "crew." Once I determined what kind of friends I wanted, I could find them. Not only that, but once I identified what I was looking for, I could appreciate the relationships I already had. Who are the people I want in my life? Other writers, other moms, other women of faith? How do I get those people in my life?

Being specific in these areas of your life does not mean that you have to be rigid. You can still be flexible or spontaneous within your particular ideas. However, knowing precisely what you want and having a plan to achieve it increases the likelihood of success and eliminates emotional decision-making throughout the process.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself that will lead you to achieve your goals.

1. What is the goal? Don't be afraid to sit with this and consider what you need or want. Keep it simple and check that it is rooted in your values.

2. How do you know when you have achieved it? When a goal is measurable, there's less guesswork involved in reaching it. When a plan is defined, you can track your progress. You will be motivated to keep going as you advance towards your goal.

3. What's the plan? Small, simple steps taken over time will take you further than a handful of big ones. Set dates and be realistic about the time it will take.

4. How will you celebrate? Don't let your achievements, answers to prayer, or the growth you've experienced go unnoticed.

Start with one or two goals, and you can add more as you progress in those through consistency.

You can achieve your goals in your faith, life, and community when you get specific about what you want.

---

For more on the topic listen to:

Episode 59 How Specificity Improves Your Life

Join Elise Daly Parker, Kimberly Coyle and I as we examine why we often get mediocre results and give you some questions you can ask yourself to get you moving in the right direction.

Different Kids, One God

If you are the parent of more than one child you know that no two kids are created the same.

The more I understand my kids' inherent difference, the better mom I can be to my daughters and the better relationship I can have with them.

Over the years I’ve trusted God to show me how to parent them in unique and individual ways. It’s been a process of trial and error that has deepened my reliance on God and His wisdom. He knows more about them than I do because he created them.

Join me over at Faith Gateway to read more. 

How to Find Your Squad

Life changes when you become a mom. You may have more responsibilities and get less sleep. While it's amazing in so many ways motherhood leaves you with less control over your time. And many times this can affect your friendships. 

If your friends are in different stages of life than you are, relationships may drift apart. If you leave a job to stay home with your baby or move to the burbs, friendships may disappear altogether. Sometimes being a mom keeps you so busy, you see your friends less, then you wake up one day and wonder where your people have gone. 

That’s what happened to me. Just a few years after becoming a mom I found myself lonely. I desperately wished I had a group of friends reminiscent of the crew I had in high school. A squad of moms that did things together all the time. Women to sit with at every game, school event, and fundraiser. And, if I were lucky, they’d be my weekend friends too, because our spouses would love hanging out together as much as we did.

I’d see other moms on the playground laughing and talking with other another. I assumed that everyone else had mom squad but me. I was heartbroken over the connections I no longer had and constantly complained to my husband that I didn’t have any friends. I couldn't understand why it was so hard to meet new people and have deep, meaningful relationships. 

Little did I know I wasn’t the only one that felt this way. 

Eventually, I learned a few things about friendships, and my perspective changed. I stopped hoping people would want to be around me just because we’ve met a few times and our kids went to the same school. Gone were the days of friendships that formed organically nurtured only by proximity. If I wanted friends, I had to work at it.

If you find yourself in a similar situation here’s what you can do:

1. Find your people. Think of this one like mommy dating. Go through the list of moms you want to be friends with and ask them out for coffee, invite them over for lunch, or suggest a meet up at the park. Become interested in them, ask them questions about themselves, and keep your ears open for something you have in common. You may be surprised who you connect with and who you don’t.

2. Consider the relationships you already have. What brings you together and how can you cultivate that connection? Resist the urge to chase after the people you think should be your friends only to neglect current relationships that could blossom if only nurtured.

3. Don’t put pressure on a friendship to be what it is not. Just because you love talking to another mom at pick up about your kids doesn't mean your relationship will translate into an enjoyable couples night out. And the woman you love to go to coffee with may not be a fit for your book club, tennis team, or volunteer committee. Feel free to explore different ways to connect with other women but if something doesn’t work, stick with what does.

4. Do the work. Friendships cannot be left up to chance; they require intentionality. If there isn’t already a reason to see your new mom friend regularly create one. Start a club, take a class together, or set up a weekly or monthly date to get together.

5. Connect your friends with one another. At this point, you may have a lot of individual mom friendships brewing, and that’s great. But you can take it to the next level by choosing those with similar personalities or interests and introduce them to each other. Find a reason to get them together such as drinks after a school event, brunch at your house, or a walk through your neighborhood. 

As I started to establish new friendships, I quickly learned that one mom does not fit all. That’s because relationships look a lot different than they did back in the day.  I didn't end up with a “go-to” squad as I’d hoped, but rather circles of friends that are made up of amazing women. I have my soccer mom friends, my game night couples crew, my weekend people, my book club, and my anytime you want to grab a coffee after drop off friends. These relationships mean so much more to me then I could have ever imagined.  My life is so much richer for the diversity they bring. 

---

This post was originally shared on the Friending Podcast, Episode 36 How to Find Your Mom Squad

---

For more on the topic listen to:

Episode 57 How To Find Your Squad

Join Elise Daly Parker, Noelle Rhodes and I as we encourage you and equip you to find your squad.

Friending - Episode 36 How to Find Your Mom Squad

What I've Learned This Summer

In May I wrote the post How to Make the Most of Summer. It was a list of dos and don'ts to help myself, and others shed the unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves. We did a podcast on it too.

I took it a step further a wrote a letter to my summer self to remind me of both the joys and the pitfalls of working from home when my kiddos are off from school. The letter was about balancing work and home plus record what I learned about myself in the previous season to equip myself for the new one.

In the podcast The Next Right Thing, Emily P. Freeman shares the importance of recording what we’ve learned. She says it’s a grounding practice that keeps us present in our lives and causes us to pay attention.

I have found this to be true! I am just beginning in this exercise, but I have already seen the fruit of it this past summer. Although mine was a letter and not a list, I checked it frequently to center myself when I felt I was lost in the hustle.

Now that the summer is over I am pausing to reflect on the past few months before I head into future.

Here are a few things I learned this summer:

1. You get less work done than you think you will.

Thankfully I recorded a handful of podcast episodes and wrote a few posts before school let out. Even though I set aside early morning hours to do work I was always interrupted.

2. I’m prone to distraction when I am home.

Even though I am physically present, many times, I am anticipating what comes next, or figuring how I am going to find a chance to do more on my to-do list. Those distractions go away when I am at the park, the pool, or a friend’s house which allows me to enjoy my kids fully.

3. I get car sick in the RV.

I counted on the 9-hour drive to Quebec to get some writing done. It didn't take long for me to quickly realize this was a bad idea. Movies, audio books, card games were okay, anything on a computer is a no go.

4. Working in the cracks doesn't work (at least for me.)

If I have to get something done, I am better off going to the library or Starbucks. I get more done in one hour in a coffee shop than I do at home. When I’m home, my kids confuse et my presence with availability too.

5. I miss my kids when they are gone.

My kids went to sleepaway camp for the first time. The length of time and who went varied. I was surprised how much different this was then sending them all to their grandparents for a week.

6. I love playing Tennis.

Our pool membership comes with access to Tennis courts and this year I was determined to make the most of my membership by actually playing. I managed to play a handful of times over the summer and have now signed up for a few lessons this fall. The best was making new friends that share my interest in the sport.

I look forward to doing this at the end of every season. I have no doubt that it will help me usher in the future with enthusiasm and intention.

Join me on Instagram for more lessons learned!

---

For more on the topic listen to:

Episode 56 Lessons We've Learned this Summer

Join my co-hosts Elise, Noelle, Kimberly, and myself as we kick off season 3 with this follow up episode to see how each one of us did and discuss what worked and didn’t work for us over the last few months. Plus we’ll share a few of the things we learned about ourselves along the way.

How to Combat Negative Thoughts with God's Truth

I’d been known to listen to whatever thoughts popped into my head and believe them to be true. I've entertained negative thoughts about my self-worth and let my emotions breed discontent. It's not pretty, it typically makes me grumpy and impatient with others. Then insecurity sets in and it keeps me from pursuing the things I love.

Each time negative thoughts enter my mind I can choose to dwell on them or think something different. Positive thinking helps, but God’s Word and prayer are even more powerful.

Negative thoughts and emotions don’t discriminate. Both children and adults have to decide if they’ll allow them to linger in their mind.  

I'd love for you to join me over at Faith Gateway where I share my experience with overcoming negative thoughts and emotions plus an incredible resource that teaches kids how to do the same. Read More...

Cultivating Gratitude in our Families

My kids had high expectations for the summer. In the days leading up to the end of school, they came up with many ways to make the most of their school break. We made a point to follow through on those ideas. It was fun at first, but I quickly realized we set the bar too high. Excitement turned to disappointment when things didn’t go as planned. If we had nothing planned on a particular day it felt like we were not using our time well.

But, there was no way I was going to let this season play out like summers past. This year was going to be different. We were going to cultivate a habit of gratefulness instead.

Head over to Faith Gateway to read more...

Sword Wielding Cheerleaders and My Thoughts on Prayer

We are talking about prayer on the podcast this week so I thought this post from the archives was worth sharing. I used to get hung up on the "right way" pray. But then I learned God is more concerned having a relationship with us than how many minutes we pray or the exact words we use. What prayer looks like for me changes over time and looks different in each season. Here's just one example one way I pray.

---

I was a cheerleader in junior high. I can remember when the opposing team had the ball we would cheer:

Let’s Go, DEFENSE Hold them! D-E-F-E-N-S-E

We would encourage the team to stay strong and prevent points from being scored against us. When the game took a turn in our favor, when we had the ball, a different cheer could be heard coming from us girls.

Score! Score! We want more! We'll drive it to the finish, And own that board!

There are many different types of prayer.  But just like those cheers, I have come to view my prayers as falling into one of two categories:

• Defensive (Lord, sustain me)
• Offensive (Lord, advance me in Your Will).

There will be times when we need to quit praying defensively take back the ball, and pray offenseively. We don’t just want to hold the line; we want progress.

 “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.”Eph. 6:10-11

We are in a war but not against flesh and blood.

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.”Eph. 6:13

As you read a little further along in that chapter, you will learn that our armor consists of: the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of readiness and peace, the shield of faith, and the helmet of salvation. The final item on this list is the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God

It’s that last item that has the distinction of being an offensive weapon, and according to Hebrews 4:12, it’s a powerful one.

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

We use that weapon when we pray the Word of God.

We can be confident in prayer when we know what the Bible says and speak it. Our troubling circumstance can be turned around and used to win the game for the glory of God through prayer.

We are more than conquerors because of the victory that has already won at Calvary.

▪   I pray Lord that my 6-year-old practices self-control (defense). I also pray that he will find favor in the eyes of his teacher because of his self-control and obedience. May the other students follow his lead by listening to the teacher, working when it’s time to work, and playing when it’s time to play (offense). (Psalm 5:12, Numbers 6:25–26)

▪   Father God, help my husband get up to speed with the knowledge he needs for his new job (defense).  I also pray that You would give him the wisdom and knowledge he needs to operate in his position successfully. Give him insight into efficiencies that will cause his department to flourish despite this down economy (offense). (Jeremiah 29:11, Jeremiah 33:3

▪   Dear Lord, I choose to forgive_____________________________ for ______________________(defense). Lord, bless them and their family. I pray that Your love would penetrate their heart and that they would understand the grace you have made available to them (offense). (Luke 6:8, Luke 6:27, Psalm 103:10-14)

We have the advantage, but it’s us to us to advance.

---

Starting today, Circles of Faith will be hosting a Facebook Prayer community; a place where we can join together to share our prayer needs and testimonies of God’s provision. It is a forum for us to gather on-line and share what we are believing God for.

It’s there that we will knit our faith together and wield the Sword of the Spirit for His glory.

Head over there and see what is all about…

photo credit: One lucky guy via photopincc

How I Overcame My Fear To Make New Friends

I found this post in the archives and thought it was worth a reboot. I often have to remind myself that making friends doesn't have to be hard, however, it does take time and intention. Choosing to risk rejection for the sake of building community and finding your people, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, is worth it. 

---

The first week of Pre-K was a little overwhelming. On that first day there we so many new faces. My daughter didn’t know the other kids; I didn’t know the other moms. You could tell by looking in my little girl's eyes that she felt out of place, and so did I. Emotions were raw. I was excited for her, but at the same time, the feelings I had when I was the new girl in high school rose to the surface.

I felt uncomfortable around the moms and caregivers that already knew each other. I wanted to cry. 

We had lived in our small town for a little over four years, but I hadn't had the chance to meet many people yet. I’d had my hands full with my daughter (4), a toddler (2) and a newborn. The few friends I had, lived in other towns so I wouldn’t be seeing them on the playground. I was lonely. 

My husband gave me pep talks about how important it was to socialize our daughter. He said once she made some connections, she would feel more comfortable at school. I knew he was right but what he was encouraging me to do was scary. 

It would have been so easy to hide, to stay to myself, to not risk the rejection but I craved community both for my daughter and myself.

It took everything within me, plus trusting in God, to step out of my comfort zone. I made up a set of mommy cards with my contact information and invited others to come over for lunch or to meet us at the park. I even brought meals to two other moms that had just had a baby. None of this came easy, but the desire for my daughter to make friends trumped the fear of putting myself out there.

How was I going to encourage my little girl to make new friends on the playground if I wasn’t willing to do it myself?

Telling our kids it’s easy to make friends isn’t worth a hill of beans if we don’t model it for them. << TWEET THIS

By the end of the year, I had worked my way through the entire class list, one by one, connecting with each family. Ava had at least one play date with every child in her class, even the boys. Looking back I can see where I was a little over zealous, but it was exactly what was needed to overcome my fears. It didn’t take long to become a part of our community. I was able to get to know many of the moms, the caregivers, and the kids.

I committed to making friends. I determined not to hide.

Fast forward five years and I am still friends with many of the women I met that year. Some of them are now dear friends who I can count on for anything. Those women I was nervous about making meals for, they are some of my favorite people to spend time with, and their little boys have become best buds with my son. While every friendship has not “stuck” and it’s hurt to watch families move away I am grateful for the risks I took.

There will always be new class lists, new people to meet and new risks to take but I have learned not to hide as I model community in my home, to my children and others around me.

How can you come out of hiding and connect with community?

4 Things Your Middle Schooler Needs to Know About Friendship

Friendships can be life-giving. But they can also be hard, confusing, and stressful. Just ask any middle schooler, and they'll tell you.

My daughter started having friendship problems in 4th grade. Neither my daughter or I saw it coming. The friendships she’s had since she was four starting falling apart. The girls became yo-yos, friends one day and rivals the next. It was heartbreaking. I encouraged my little girl, but nothing I said seemed to stop the tears or stomach aches caused by anxiety. 

Up until this point, I had taught her many things, like how to ride a bike, clean her room, and set the dinner table, but I hadn’t taught her what she needed to know to find good friends and maintain healthy relationships. In part because I didn’t think I had to, and also because I wasn’t sure myself. 

I struggled with my confusion about friendships. I didn’t understand why some lasted while others didn’t. I couldn’t figure out how to make new friends or deepen the relationships I already had. That was until I discovered...

 There is more to friendship than pure chemistry or the lack thereof. << Tweet This

I stopped telling my daughter that things would be ok if she would just be nice to the girls who snubbed her. To wait things out, because I was sure things would get better. 

Instead, I taught her some principles of friendship that gave her the confidence to set boundaries and ultimately find her people. 

Over time she learned:

1. It’s okay to have more than one friend group. Your friends who share your love of reading may be in your book club, but that doesn't mean you have to sit at their lunch table. And the girls you play soccer with, the ones who always have your back on the field, you may never go to their house for a play date. And that's ok. 
2. All friends are not created equal. One friend doesn't need to be your everything, Just like a potluck dinner. If everybody brought the same dish to the party, the meal would be lousy. Different friends, with their various backgrounds and interests, meet different relational needs. They also bring variety to your life. If you expect everybody to look, dress, and act the same, life will be boring.
3. When a friend disses you, many times, it has little to do with you. Most middle school kids are insecure. Many times they don't understand their value and worth, so they look to others to give it to them. It’s no surprise when they gravitate towards the person in their squad that affirms them and their choices, be it good or bad. 
4. Proximity is the glue that holds many relationships together. Out of sight out of mind hurts but rarely is it a reflection on you. If you have a friend that you like but don't share a class with any more, you will have to be intentional to maintain that relationship. 

Equipped with this knowledge, she can be herself around her peers. She is free to focus on being the kind of friend she wants to be rather worry about who may or may not like her. 

My daughter's friends may change many times over the next few years but the principles of friendship will not. I hope she remembers them throughout the middle school years and beyond. 

---

Fore More on this topic listen to:

Friending Podcast, Episode 31 Helping Your Kids With Friendship.

Helping your kids with friendship can get sticky. You don't want your child to be the odd one out but you want them to be able to make friends on their own. How do we set them up to be good friends? How much do we get involved?

---

This post 4 Things Your Middle Schooler Needs to Know About Friendship was originally shared on the Friending Podcast, Episode 31 Helping Your Kids With Friendship.

Kids Need Rest Too

Before I learned how to rest regularly, I was a mess. As a mother of three with work and a family to juggle it seemed indulgent to rest or observe Sabbath. At the beginning of the week, I would write out my to-do list for work and home, then get busy Monday through Thursday crossing things off that list, and eventually crash hard on Friday. I was easily frustrated with myself, my kids, and my husband because I was burnt out.

When I incorporated a daily, weekly, and even monthly rhythm of rest into my life, things changed. I felt refreshed, recharged, and was able to invest in my work and my relationships.

Head over to Faith Gateway to read more about the benefits of rest and how it's just as important for our kids as it is for us.  

This Month: Learning What the Bible Says about Listening and Using Your Words

This month I am focusing on the topic of LISTENING with my children.

Some days I have to repeat myself several times before my kids hear me speak. I compete with iPads, cell phones, video games, and TV for their attention. So now those things are off limits in the mornings while we’re getting ready for the day and in the evenings before bedtime. The goal is to create a habit of mindfulness as well as quiet their minds enough to hear my voice but also God’s voice. 

With a little practice, they can become quick to hear, slow to speak (James 1:19). When they do speak, it would be best if it was with thoughtfulness and restraint (Proverbs 17:27). I want them to listen to advice and accept instruction so that in the future they will be wise people (Proverbs 19:20), primarily so they can avoid some of the mistakes I made. But most of all, I hope the words of their mouth and the meditation of their heart to be pleasing to God, their Heavenly Father who loves them (Proverbs 17:27).   

---

The digital download of these cards is available in my Etsy Shop for only $0.99. If you prefer the convenience of receiving these cards professionally printed, trimmed, and delivered to your mailbox, you can purchase card sets HERE.

Creative Ways to Pray

We may not like to admit it, but prayer can sometimes feel like a chore. We’re tired, we’re busy, and it feels like just one more thing to add to our list. And, If are we are praying with any kind of consistency it can become boring if we do it the same way, with the same words every day.

Let me assure you; you don’t have to feel guilty about this. Every relationship needs intention and creativity to stay fresh our prayer life, and relationship with God is no different.

I used to believe that my prayer time needed to look a certain way for God to be happy. As a result, my relationship with God was like a roller coaster with the ups and downs of pride when I was getting “it right” and guilt when I wasn’t.

God is more concerned having a relationship with us than how many minutes we pray or the exact words we use.

I love routine but often crave change. I know this about myself, so when I designated “Time with God” as one of my non-negotiables, I knew that if I wanted to be consistent, I’d have to seek creative ways to do this.

Instead of getting stuck with a formula I often do a combination of these:

• Record specific ongoing prayer requests in a dedicated notebook. Each need gets one page followed by any scriptures that support what I am praying for. I write a date, so I know when I first started praying for it.
• Designate different days of the week to pray for various topics such as family, friends, ministry, community needs, and our government.
• Create and read affirmations that are rooted in scripture and truth. I created a few about body image that you can download HERE.
• Rotate through study and devotional apps such as She Reads Truth, If Gathering, and First 5 from Proverbs 31 Ministries.

Here are a few things that have been a staple in my prayer life over time.

The Power of a Praying Parent and The Power of a Praying Wife,

These books have been instrumental books in teaching me about prayer. Divided by topic, each chapter shares the importance of praying in a particular area. It provides specific prayers, which are each tied to biblical promises including their scripture references. Over the years, this book has helped me stay consistent in prayer. When my little ones were young, and life was overwhelming, I knew I could open the book, select a theme, and pray it through in less than 5 minutes.

Read it Pray it Cards

When my kids were little, and I had very little time or energy to have a consistent prayer time I would find a scripture that addressed my most pressing issue and wrote it on an index card. On the back of the card, I turned the verse into a prayer. I kept it in my back pocket and pulled it out whenever I had a moment to spare or needed encouragement. Eventually, I created a set from my kids. Some of the topics included are Anger, Obedience, Thankfulness, Words, Fear, Kindness. They are free HERE as a download. More topics are available in my Etsy shop.

Moms In Prayer

Once a week, during the school year, since my oldest daughter was four, I have prayed with a group of moms. When life has been crazy, I can count on this group of faithful women to pray regularly. We pray for our children together, our schools, and our kids’ teachers, coaches, and administrators. I wrote about it HERE.

There is no one way to pray. Just like other friendships, we nurture our relationship with God through consistency, authenticity, and even creativity.

If you are looking for creative ways to change up your routine here are a few ideas:

• Celebrate the answers so you can stay encouraged in your prayer requests.
• Find new scriptures on the same promises to memorize and pray.
• Pray with a friend who can build on your requests with their thoughts and prayers.
• Pray in a different location.
• Journal your prayers. Let the page be a dumping ground for what’s on your mind then write out your prayers addressing your concerns.
• Install a prayer app on your smartphone.
• Take the Joy Dare. It’s like a God scavenger hunt -- 3 gifts to hunt for every day that you can offer up a prayer of thankfulness for.

Don’t let boredom and or a rigid formula in your prayer life can create indifference or distance in your relationship Him. Prayer is simply talking to God. He wants us to get to know Him better by spending time with Him, and there are plenty of creative ways we can to do that.

I’d love to hear about the creative ways you pray!

---

For more on the topic listen to:

Episode 51 The Ways We Pray

Elise Daly Parker, Noelle Rhodes, and I talked about how our prayers have changed over time while in addition to offering encouragement for those who are trying to get “it right.”

Honoring Grandparents

How well do you or your kids know their grandparents? I have fond memories of mine and the times I spent at their home each summer. I was lucky to spend as much time with my grandparents as I did. However, I didn’t take the time to get to know them... I mean really know them.

Head over to Faith Gateway to her about one way we can honor those we love by intentionally investing time into our relationship with them. It's something your kids and family memebers will love!

This Month: Learning What the Bible Says About Trust

This month I am focusing on the topic of TRUST with my children.

There are a lot of ups and downs in the life of our kids. Discouragement and disappointment lurk in the classroom, on the playground, the sports field, and even at home. And sometimes our day doesn't go as planned. 

Even though my kids may plan their way, the Lord establishes their steps (Proverbs 16:9). He is in control. In fact, even before something even happens, God knows how it will end (Isaiah 46:9-10). That’s because the Lord has established his throne in the heavens, and his kingdom rules over all (Psalm 103:19). Thankfully, for those who love God, all things work together for good (Romans 8:28).

---

The digital download of these cards is available in my Etsy Shop for only $0.99. If you prefer the convenience of receiving these cards professionally printed, trimmed, and delivered to your mailbox, you can purchase card sets HERE.

Summer Reading: Tweens and Teen Girls

It feels like just yesterday that I dropped my daughter off at Kindergarten. As she walked into her classroom with hesitation, my eyes filled with tears. I wondered how she would do in this new environment with strangers. I worried that my shy little girl would have trouble making friends.

I find myself thinking of this as I prepare her for middle school. She has come so far since that first day of school but it doesn’t keep me from wondering if she is ready to navigate the next few years. It’s as if overnight, the game has changed and the stakes are higher than they were in elementary school. Her body is starting to develop, relationships have become more complicated, and the pressure to perform academically has increased.

The older my daughter gets, the more choices she’ll make on her own and I want to prepare her. There are a few things I want her to have as she heads into these years and I am grateful that there are resources to help.

Head over to Faith Gateway and see what books we will be binge reading over the summer as we prepare for the new season that she is entering.

How To Add Creativity to Your Life

When the Creator of the Universe made us in His image, He gave us all of us the ability to create. No matter what it is we do with the gifts and talents we’ve been given, creativity takes inspiration, as well as time and intention. 
 
When I was younger, it was easy for me to be creative. I majored in art in high school. I went to college for interior design, graduated, and eventually got a job in my field. Creative people surrounded me. 
 
But, when I became a stay at home mom that all changed. I became busy with taking care of little ones, and I no longer spent time with people that valued creativity, at least not in the everyday. I continued to have new ideas but rarely saw them come to life. I found it incredibly frustrating that art wasn’t happening for me organically. I even began to wonder if art mattered. Eventually, I realized that if I was going to use the gifts God gave me, I had to be intentional about using them. 
 
You may be thinking, “I am not creative.” But that is not true. 
 
Creativity has a broader meaning than the traditional understanding of art. 
 
For me, art is drawing, writing, and designing my environment. For my husband, it’s creating spreadsheets and processes to bring order to his department’s finances. For my kids, it’s cooking, knitting, and building complex worlds on their favorite video game. 
 
We were all made to create.
 
Gradually, I establish a rhythm that allowed for creativity in my life. Now Sabbath is the day I craft or do projects I’ve found on Pinterest. However, I don’t just save my creatively for one day. I build time into my daily tasks to bring imagination to them. I don’t rush through podcast topic research or social media graphic creation anymore. I also fight the tendency to stay busy all the time, if not physically then mentally because I get my best ideas when I shower, while doing the dishes, or folding the laundry. 
 
If you think you're ready to let creativity flow in your life, here where to start:
 
Leave the “I wish…” pity party. There will be some seasons that are easier than others to pursue creative endeavors. However, you can’t stay in a place of thinking, “I’ll get to it when_____________ (fill in the blank). “ or “I don’t have the time to ___________.” 
 
Value the gift to create enough to make it a part of your life. Set aside time in your schedule to create. Build extra time into the work you do to go the extra mile and give it your personal touch. Make space to look at things that inspire you - magazines, art, Pinterest, or nature. Print the directions, buy the supplies, and carve out minutes to make that thing you love. Sign up for a class or workshop; it will force you to make it a priority.  
 
Be bored. Resist the urge to stay busy all the time. Allow your mind to wonder. Some of the best ideas are conceived in the “in between.” Take time to observe nature and people watch. Have a pen and ready to jot down or ideas or maintain a note in your favorite productivity app on your phone.
 
The biggest lie I’ve had to overcome is that a paycheck needs to be attached to what I do for it to have value. The truth is when I bring artistry to my daily responsibilities it makes my family feel loved. When I produce well thought out content and resources for my readers and listeners, it helps them. When I bring originality to the committee, I chair it inspires others and ultimately benefits the organization I am helping. 
 
To steward the gifts I have been given well, I must be creative. 

---

For more on the topic listen to:

Episode 49 Five Steps to Live More Creatively
 
Join Elise Daly Parker, Kimberly Coyle and me as we talk about what we’ve learned about the art and discipline of writing, plus the five steps Kimberly takes to live more creatively.

---

Additional Resources on Creativity:

A Million Little Ways: Uncover the Art You Were Made to Live by Emily P. Freeman

Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art by Madeleine L'Engle

The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles by Steven Pressfield

The Art of Work: A Proven Path to Discovering What You Were Meant to Do by Jeff Goins